Your mission, Jim, should you decide to accept it...

Three months ago today Mark Searle let go of my hand and went home to be with Jesus. This past Sunday, I went to church with my mom and dad because my mother had a mass said for Mark. It is the church we were married in. I saw the marble steps and the aisle we walked down. I saw the photo of us running out of the church together and laughing. I remembered him so clearly there. It was a mix of happiness and overwhelming sadness. There was a woman sitting behind me with a severely disabled son, about the age of 10 or 11. After mass, my mom introduced me to the little boy's parents and told them that my husband just passed away. The woman told me how sorry she was for my loss. I mentioned that Mark was a paraplegic, and like her, I was a caregiver full time. It is the void of the caring for him that has been the most challenging for me (ok, and everything else too, including going to the grocery store and walking past all his favorite things, and on and on). She leaned in and gave me a hug. She whispered in my ear and said "Do not mourn too long. You are young and full of life. It is ok to mourn, but soon the time will come to live again." I have been mulling over those words again and again over the past couple days. It has been impossible for me to think about 'living again' without Mark. He has been my life for so long. It's weird that being a mom, shopping, paying bills, laundry, housework, appointments, going to bed and getting up, are all different now that Mark isn't here. I'm not sure I even know who Suzanne is without Mark! But maybe that's still living. It's not the same, but it's still living. I am full of life (not skipping full of life), but my heart is beating and I'm breathing so I guess that means God has decided to give me a longer time here. Unbearable, crushing sadness greets me every day, but beautiful precious memories do too. This morning when I couldn't sleep at 3:00 am, I walked to the dining room and opened my bible. I am writing out the book of Psalms these days so that I can fill my head with precious thoughts of God's strength and mercy in my life. I am on Psalm 25. This is part of my message today: Psalm 25:16Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. 17 Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. AMEN to that! I am going to go live today... (starting by cleaning out the garage! ha ha!)