Warning… this was a tough one to write…Today is one month since Mark left. One month of missing him so much that I can’t understand how a person can be so sad and still be able to function. I took a break from telling you about our past to tell you about the day Mark left. It was a Thursday, February 28, 2013. On Wednesday evening, the 27th, I left the hospital after speaking to the doctor. He told us that Mark had pancreatitis, not an infection, as they suspected. He was actually quite happy about that and said, “we can fix this, it will take time, but we can fix it.” So we went home. I called in the middle of the night and asked the nurse how Mark was doing and she said his temp had been coming down a little and his blood pressure was stable. I told her that I would wait and come in the morning instead of my usual 4:00 am time.
When I arrived at 7:00 am, I opened the double doors to the ICU and immediately I felt a wave of darkness come at me. It was cold and dark and heavy. I looked down the hallway toward Mark’s room and saw a crowd of people assembled around his room. I could feel my heart sink and thought “this is what death must feel like.” When I got to Mark’s room, I realized that the people were standing around the room next to ours. The nurse told me that they were saying goodbye to that patient. She suggested I go in Mark’s room and close the door so we could all have privacy. Once I walked into Mark’s room, it was the oddest thing. The heaviness lifted and the darkness was gone. I held onto Mark and prayed and asked God to come into this place and shine His light. I spoke out loud that darkness cannot exist in the light and I asked God to come and bless this place. The staff was crying, the people in the hallways were crying. I was attempting to rejoice and praise. Around noon, we were told that the man passed away. One of the staff members came in and said that the man who died led an unhealthy and unholy life. I told her that I had been praying for this complete stranger and that his eyes would be open to see the Lord.”
12:30 the doctor came in and told us that Mark’s kidneys were failing and I needed to give them permission to do dialysis. I said “no.” He had suffered long enough and complications from the infection were going to be massive for him. I was all alone. The doctors had told our children to go back home a few days earlier because Mark was going to be there for a long time. I asked if they could wait to unhook him from the respirator until the children arrived. I stayed with Mark and cried and cried and cried. I told him how much I loved him and would miss him every single day for the rest of forever. The children arrived around 4:00 pm and after we had a chance to visit with Mark, the doctor told us that they would need some time to unhook things. We waited in the waiting room. I wonder how many people have stood in that ICU waiting room to hear that same news. I was thinking that I wished the Pastors from our church weren’t out of the office earlier when I called. Just as we were standing there, at that minute, Pastor Mike came around the corner. The doctor came and said, “ok, you can come now.” We started walking toward the double doors and I thought “here we go, I am leading my children toward these doors so they can watch their dad pass away. How in the world am I going to do this?” I remembered earlier that day when the darkness was thick in the hallway. The doors opened. We started walking and oddly enough, there was only peace. The sadness was there, but it wasn’t dark, it was peaceful and light. We entered Mark’s room and he looked adorable in his hospital gown and all the tubing was removed and he looked so cute. He was resting so comfortably. He even snored a little bit and the kids and I laughed. Pastor Mike said that was the typical look he had from Mark during the church services and we all laughed. They told us it would be 3 to 12 hours before Mark took his last breath and it was only about 20 minutes. He quietly went to be with Jesus. I realized that God gave me a glimpse earlier that morning into the darkness of those who pass away without knowing God and the lightness of those that do. So, as I am typing this note, I hope that my faithful readers out there who have not made a choice to follow Jesus, will believe me when I tell you this week of Holy Week is the best time to give your sin and shame over to God. When we die, you cannot go before God with sin because God cannot be in the presence of anything but perfection. Jesus died on the cross and took our sins so that we can be made whole and approach the throne. There is eternity of light waiting for you…just ask. Please continue to pray for our family.
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